Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
The bartender proudly replies, "ya they are all mine, shot that moose over there while on a trip to Canada."
The man looks the bartender up and down and issues this challenge, "I am the world's greatest hunter, and to prove it to you I will bet you a shot of whiskey that you can blindfold me, I will place my hand on the animal, and correctly identify what it is and what you shot it with"
The bartender agrees to this wager and the various patrons help get the world's greatest hunter blindfolded and pointed in the direction of one of the trophies.
"10 point Buck, killed with a 30-06" Announces the Hunter. The bartender is amazed, pours him a shot and says. "bet you can't do it again"
"Cougar, killed with a .44 magnum"
"Elk, killed with a 7mm rifle"
The hunter is on fire and gets everyone of the trophies correct.
The next morning the hunter wakes up with a huge hangover and stumbles into the bathroom where he notices a large black eye. "Honey, what happened last night?" he asks his wife. "I went to the bar and did my trophy trick and everyone seamed to be having a good time, when you picked me up did I have a black eye?"
"No, that was me" states his wife, "your where quite drunk when you got into bed with me and when you did you shoved your hand between my legs and declared, "Skunk killed with an axe"
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Dad: When you were a baby a rose fell on your head.
Child 2: Dad why did you name me Daisy?
Dad: When you were a baby a daisy fell on your head.
Child 3: urghhhdsargahgr
Dad: Shut up Fridge
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Friday, May 13, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first.
"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
"Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Smith. "What's the good news?"
"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Smith exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The mechanic told him that there is a couple of people ahead of him and it might take some time.
So the penguin goes across the street to a corner store and gets himself a vanilla ice cream cone. He eats it outside, but it's hot, and all he has are those little flippers. He ends up getting vanilla ice cream all over his face, chest, and even on his feet.
He waddles back to the garage, wishing he had hands or, failing that, napkins. The mechanic sees him coming and walks over.
"Looks like you blew a seal," he said.
"No, no! It's just ice cream!"
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The first says, "I'll have a beer."
The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer."
The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer."
The bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "Fuck you guys."
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The bartender [a good friend] continually tells him he's had enough and to go home.
Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.
He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.
The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?". Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?". To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar".